As I write this I sit in an Emergency Room examination room. This time it’s my father who lays on the bed getting prodded, and poked. I’m used to this scene; I’ve been here many times before, though most often it is with my mother who has a rare autoimmune disease. Each time I walk into a hospital a part of me aches, it aches not because I know that it a place associated with both pain and death, but I ache because I want to do more. I feel so helpless each time I am back here. I sit in a corner, sharing any knowledge I might hold regarding medical history and the like, but unable to help, to heal, to diagnose, to serve. It reinvigorates my desire to pursue a valuable education, to learn and to grow, and in doing so I will expand my capacity to serve. I do not mean to say that what I have done is insignificant or in vain, nor do intend to diminish the value of other who have less education for I believe they are still invaluable in the terms of service they render. But what I do know is the desire that burns within me to go on and expand my capacity to serve. 

Happy Halloween

I love to dress up, I love to play, and really I am just a big kid who gets just as into the holidays as any small child might. This Halloween I really went all out, I made a Pocahontas costume for my roommate, a magic carpet for myself, and then had a bit too much fun carving pumpkins. These are the results:

The scariest thing I could think to carve, Donald Trump....

Disney costumes for the win

This was a result of a friend questioning my pumpkin carving skills, he no longer doubts

My sister Bekah actually gets credit for this one

It was a good Halloween, the fun was abundant, and I'm sure with the candy we got away with we certainly will be sick for the next few days!

-Til the next page

Life of a Dream

       Life of a dream. I have often imagined the perfect life, adventures, joy, health, beauty, love. And to a great degree these dreams are shaped by what is seen around me, especially social media. Every image so calculated as to only depict the most positive aspects. Great effort exerted to insure that only the best response will be received in each post. Though we fail to illustrate the trial, and as a consequence we can fall into traps of self deprivation or comparison, stemming from a fear that our attempts to portray this dream life are far from our real lives.

    First here are images taken over the past few weeks, those which are #postable, and ones that depict the dream. These are moments from my life that have brought me joy, and fit into this image we all portray.

 While on the other hand this fails to portray how hard it is every day as I struggle through trials and difficulties. It doesn't show the disappointment of failing a chem test with visions of medical school fading in the horizon. It doesn't paint the picture of how hard it was to put both your sick parents in the car, drive them 2 block for a pumpkin parade, and spend the whole night stressed about keeping them from getting lost, while still trying to let your 9 year old sister enjoy the evening, not to mention her childhood. It doesn't depict how hard it was hugging your brother goodbye as you send him off into what seems like a den of wolves, praying he will be wise in his decisions. And it lacks the imagery of  my nights spent wondering why I remain single and have always been, while every face that appears on my screen has a love at their side. 

 Those are the pictures we don't take, they are those we don't publish, and they are those who I think for good reason we keep to ourselves. To share this is to become vulnerable. To express our other half of the less than dreamy life we live is frightening.

     
     
While I have no intention of degrading the joy felt in each of these moments, or to disregard it. Nor is it a good idea to publicly broadcast every ailment.  But my intention here is to be entirely genuine in my life. It is my purpose to illustrate that behind every smile there is also challenge, and trial.It is important that we recognize this before we get to caught away in our dreams of an impossible life. It is important to remember this is how the rest of that world viewed on a screen is as well. And as we recognize this in both ourselves and other, we in turn become more genuine. We become more whole, and our dreams become our actual lives. This is my new dream, to be a rememberer and respecter of both sides of the picture, and to be grateful for both.
-til the next page

Project-oholic

      I have a confession to make. I'm a project-oholic. Despite the constant chaos I am trying to subdue, I still go out and find all sorts of projects to involve my self in. I don't know why I do it. One night I'll be stressing e about how I don't have enough time to do all the important things, and then the next night I'll have committed to building a shelter for all the stray bats... You think I'm exaggerating, but I have an unfinished bat house in my garage. To further illustrate my deranged mind here are just a few of the projects I've embarked upon only in the past few months, canning (totally new for me, repairing a 1976 MGB car, decorating my apartment (the gallery wall looks great!), quilting, re-landscaping my yard, digitizing family photos...and the list goes on, I really need to learn how to be still one of these days!
     The reason I bring this up now is because I have embarked on yet another project. Sweet old men are just too precious to turn down, especially if they have home grown produce! Driving home from lowes (proud that I hadn't picked up anything to start yet another project) I saw the most precious old man selling apples. And so I pulled over and engaged in conversation only to walk away with 3 varieties of apples in bulk, already considering all the delicious things I could do with them.
      The canning has begun yet again, it was less than 2 months ago I had sworn off of canning because it was way too time consuming and really I am clueless as to what I am doing... And yet here I am. 12 jars latter and I still want to go back to get more apples for pie filling! I must have some troubled soul...
     On the bright side though It was a lovely time spent with the youngest sister, 9 year old Jennie.
Now don't go thinking that this is a "crafty, domestic goddess, Pinterest worthy" blog, because I'm sure it's not, but projects are a part of who I am and thus they will periodically appear, and hey maybe I might actually get good a taking pictures while I'm at it! (Oh goodness I guess that's yet another project to add to the list)
-until the next page

In the begining

    How did I get here? What am I even doing? Will what I write mean anything? What even is this blog business?

  I have now had more than 3000 days of consecutive journal writing. That adds up to over 8 years. While most of those eateries are filled with more "today I ate..."s than will anything of substance,  I still have to myself what value do those years of writing really hold. Who am I blessing because of all that writing, and frankly I don't have a good answer for that, but yet I continue (and in all honesty will still continue even after the start of this) 

      I would like to think this as then the begining of a new age for me, it's the beginning of my blogging. An age where pictures and videos are tied beautifully into my scattered thoughts, where there might even be an audience, small no doubt but it's possible now! Though through it all I certainly hope that somewhere in the obscurities of the outer inter-web, my thoughts spewed here might lift someone's heart, offer someone to relate to, or maybe simply enough produce a slight chuckle from a reader. 

    I anticipate including my life as it is, as raw and genuine as I get, and that is gonna take some courage, for to open up is to be vulnerable, but I'm willing to give it a try! 

    So there you have the beginning- it boils down to making my habit of writing actually meaningful.

    -Til the page turns.