Family Time

We all have family, it comes in many shapes and sizes and our relationships with our families differ vastly, though I am writing to express my gratitude for my mess, fun, oddball, goofy loving family.
I can start with my parents:
Jim (Dad) is the biggest geek on the planet with an even bigger heart. I have never met someone who is as compassionate, and selfless as he and I hope that I can live up to that wonderful example. Dad is smart, patient, analytical, is a masterful gardener, and has a never ending thirst for knowledge
Karen (Mom) is funny, I roll my eyes all the time at her, but I think a lot of that is because while watching her I see myself. She is an intelectual equal to Dad, but has a fiestyness that would occasionally get her in trouble, while Dad loved to travel, it was Mom who knew how to adventure. Playing and moving were profound characteristics of Mom. It's less prominent now because of the confines of a degenerative illness and a wheelchair, but there are still moments when it comes out.
While neither parent is really well, and is their full versions due to illness, I am so grateful for the time I had with them healthy, and for the things I learned from them and their incredible example.
Hannah (little, BIG sister) While in manyways I may act more like the oldest, and the big sister (aside from even just stature) she still has this deeply loving, and nurturing side. She is encouraging, and silly, and brings a different perspective to this roll of parenting we have been thrust into
Richard (big, Little Brother) Three years my junior we played all the time as kids, the hours spent putting together legos in our dining room, to the extensive backstories we would create for our barbies, he was my playmate. Our relationship has changed, but he brings a sensitivity, generosity, and sass to the family, that is paired with his perfectionism, and love of all things culture.
Bekah (little sister) Bekah is funny, with the most time spent with her in recent years I just have to laugh. She is filled with so much personality, she has a deep passion for many things that is juxtapposed to an even deeper apathy for others (often things I care about the most) her love of food is fun until it targets my cooking, but that is not to disregard how grounded, and strong of a girl she is.
Jennie (baby-iest sister) She is the baby in every sense of the term, she is filled with personality and spunk and has quite the attitude, Jennie never stops moving, and is bouncing from one thing to the next, while often helpful, she gets distracted easily and needs persistent reminding. She is much like Richard in her desire for perfection, which can make school work twices as difficult.

We certainly are a funny bunch of people, each coming from the same genetic pool but recombined in such drastically different ways. My family wouldn't be complete were it not for each member and boy to I love them! I thank God each day for the fact we have eternal families and that they can be mine through eternity!

This Weekend we have been in Green River for the Baby Blessing of Piper, and Ordination of Dyson, (Children of Jamie and Tyse), we have been able to spend time with Janell, Robert and all of their Kids and Grandkids, and while Bekah may not be too thrilled with it, I am grateful for this time and for the extended family we have even with all of their quirks and oddities.

Atonement

Atonement

    As I consider the atonement I have found the best way to describe it is to create a mental image;

We find ourselves on this Earth, it is an interesting place, filled with laughter, family friends, joy, but also pain, heart ache, trial and tribulation. We are blessed to have physical bodies that can experience so much, but we are mortal. We are subjected to illness, temptation, injury, and pain of so many kinds, we experience endings of all kinds, and we hurt. I don't think there is a person on this planet who is exempt from that.

     We know, and have heard of a place though that is much like this place we have now, in that we will have our bodies, we will have our families, it will be a place though so much better as we will be free from pain and suffering and we will not only be with those we love forever, but we will also be with God. This is a place beyond perfection.

     BUT there is a problem, there are two massive obstacles (I tend to picture them as giant towers!) that we must overcome in order to make it to that wonderful place we will call eternal life.

     The first obstacle is related to these great bodies we have, it is physical death. We know our bodies age, they get sick, they get hurt and broken and worn out, and eventually they day. This poses a problem because in this ideal eternal life situation we would like our bodies!

     The second obstacle is also a big deal, it is spiritual death. We all make mistakes, we all sin, part of this mortal life is learning from our mistakes, but it poses a different sort of problem because we understand that no unclean or imperfect person can live with God, and that puts a huge damper on this making it to eternal life thing.

     So the question remains, how do we overcome these two massive obstacles of physical death and spiritual death? I want you to imagine a remarkable bridge that forms the path that overcomes these two massive towers. That bridge, or path, is the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

     When Christ was in the Garden of Gethsemane He suffered for our sins, he paid the price, experienced the punishment and took upon him each and every mistake and sin we have ever made so that we would not have to suffer the price. It was there that he overcame the obstacle of spiritual death for us. From there he was taken to the cross on Calvary and was crucified. On that cross he died, and three days later he rose from the tomb and came forth with a perfected body. In Christ's resurrection he overcame death, paving a way so we could do the same.

     I would also like to add that in this atonement, Christ also felt our pains so that he would know exactly how we felt, and as a result would know exactly how to help us. Alma 7:11-12 reads

"And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."

It is possible, through Christ, to overcome those obstacles and to make it to a place where we can live with those we love again. It is through His atonement that we can find peace in knowing we will be reunited with those we love and cherish, and we can know that there will be many great surprises.

I am so grateful for this knowledge, and for my Savior Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for His love and for the love of my Heavenly Father, because it is through that love that all of this is possible.

x

Finding Distractions

I find myself looking for distractions constantly. I fear the time I have alone with my thoughts because then it hits me. It is then I realize that all that I do is too much, that I am insufficient, and that I don't think I have the strength to move forward day after day. But if I don't confront these fears, if I don't allow myself time to think than I can move forward. I can take everything one step at a time. So that is what I do. I don't think about how I have lost one of my best friends, the only grown-up I had left in my home. I don't think of the fears and concerns and hardships that come with raising 2 children, who have already experienced so much pain and suffering in their short lives. I can't think of my parents, who have fought a long fight but who are reaching the end of their time. One is never truly prepared to become an orphan, and I fear that it is my turn all too soon. So I turn to stupid television shows, book on tapes, pinterest, social media, anything to dull the sound of my own thoughts. It seems to be the only way to survive. I know it's not sustainable, but at this point I don't know what else I can do. I'll be back later, maybe, but I guess that would mean I'm ready to acknowledge these things again. So hey, it might be a while.

An Udate

Time
     Some time has passed since I have last written here. There haven't been words to describe the emotions of all that has transpired over these past 9 months. There are hardly even words. I am a mom now. But I also have the title of sister to these kids. I am only 24. But I also have the knowledge and experience of someone twice my age. I am still Scooter. But Esther seems to become more fitting. I am their daughter. But I have to parent them, and care for them.  I have had legions stand by my side. But I have also never felt so alone.
     As my father has gotten sick, so many things have changed. I have changed. I do believe I am better than I was a year ago, but I am also so much more worn out. My hope is that with just a bit more time, I can figure a few more things out, and we will all be alright.

Happy Birthday to Me

Once again another birthday comes, and the reflections kick in hard. I can't help but think of what I have accomplished, and also what I wish I would have accomplished. I consider the coming year, and try to suppress the thoughts of where society thinks I should be and focus rather on where I want to be and where the Lord would have me be as well. Romance is absent, though the desire for one is not. Though there are many other relationships I still find fulfilling. My younger sisters are dear friends, and I have the best squad on the planet. My colleagues are not just work friends but also close friends, and my motto of "keep your friends close, and your friends moms closer" is still in full effect. I hope to grow spiritually, I hope to look back in one year and be  able to confidently say "I am a better version of me now, than I was back then" much in the way I can say it now.  I intend to adventure and enjoy my life, and live every moment in gratitude. And finally I pray that God grants me yet another year of mortality, to learn and grow and to draw nearer to him.

The Peace We All Want

     Everyone wants something, though more often than not I would venture to say that what we think we want is far from what we need. 

     I would venture so far as to say that what we are all craving is peace. I write this at a time of tumult, there were just recently bombings in Brussels that took the lives of many, words like terror, fear, and corruption are on the lips of about everyone you meet. Political parties are harsh and seek not to show how they might fix the problems we face, rather they seek to destroy all possibilities that don't push their self motivated agendas. Though despair is present, it does not need to be prevalent. I write this not as an expert, but rather as someone who is learning herself how to find true peace. Each day as we are accosted by decisions we must choose as to not only what we will do, but also how we will feel about it. Both of which play an invaluable role in finding the peace we so desperately seek. 

     I start each and every day on my knees, as I approach God in prayer I am both humbled, and lifted up. Humility is essential in peace, because with humility comes the understanding that we are in reality in control of very little. The sooner we realize that, the more peace we find since we are not in conflict with the world around us. Second, to be lifted up is just as crucial because confidence is essential to peace. Though we have little control over the events that transpire around us, we do have some control and to best use it, we must be confident in our own ability to bring about good. Bringing about good, each and every day, no matter how small will bring peace. 

      I kneel also because I know that lasting peace comes in and through the Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ, so each day I start in His great name. Christ bring peace because I know that through Him all rules will be made fair. He brings peace because He has been where I am now before, and He will help me through it. He brings peace because He is the master of both Justice and Mercy. Through Him I find peace because He has conquered death, and through Him so shall I, and you, and him, and her, and all of us. He brings peace because He is Love.

     After rising from my knees I make my bed. I have already accomplished something, even if is something so small and insignificant I have made a difference. As I proceed through the day I seek to bring about change, I try to bring smiles to those around me, and I strive to be better. In a small way, these things add peace. 

    Still I struggle, as the media blares new stories of destruction and evil, my heart breaks, but I turn again to God. And again in Him I find peace.
-'Til the next Page

As I write this I sit in an Emergency Room examination room. This time it’s my father who lays on the bed getting prodded, and poked. I’m used to this scene; I’ve been here many times before, though most often it is with my mother who has a rare autoimmune disease. Each time I walk into a hospital a part of me aches, it aches not because I know that it a place associated with both pain and death, but I ache because I want to do more. I feel so helpless each time I am back here. I sit in a corner, sharing any knowledge I might hold regarding medical history and the like, but unable to help, to heal, to diagnose, to serve. It reinvigorates my desire to pursue a valuable education, to learn and to grow, and in doing so I will expand my capacity to serve. I do not mean to say that what I have done is insignificant or in vain, nor do intend to diminish the value of other who have less education for I believe they are still invaluable in the terms of service they render. But what I do know is the desire that burns within me to go on and expand my capacity to serve.