Finding Distractions

I find myself looking for distractions constantly. I fear the time I have alone with my thoughts because then it hits me. It is then I realize that all that I do is too much, that I am insufficient, and that I don't think I have the strength to move forward day after day. But if I don't confront these fears, if I don't allow myself time to think than I can move forward. I can take everything one step at a time. So that is what I do. I don't think about how I have lost one of my best friends, the only grown-up I had left in my home. I don't think of the fears and concerns and hardships that come with raising 2 children, who have already experienced so much pain and suffering in their short lives. I can't think of my parents, who have fought a long fight but who are reaching the end of their time. One is never truly prepared to become an orphan, and I fear that it is my turn all too soon. So I turn to stupid television shows, book on tapes, pinterest, social media, anything to dull the sound of my own thoughts. It seems to be the only way to survive. I know it's not sustainable, but at this point I don't know what else I can do. I'll be back later, maybe, but I guess that would mean I'm ready to acknowledge these things again. So hey, it might be a while.